Hi Robin and friends, Last week on the Thursday call I asked You a question and I remember you invited me to view my choices and experiences as LEARNING instead of judging them as right and wrong. I have thought about this over and over and I am split in comprehension of this topic. In one regard I feel and see the wisdom of viewing myself compassionately and nonjudgmentally and to simply view everything as learning instead of right and wrong. The things I’m struggling with though is that there IS Right choices and wrong choices... and I also recognize there are choices that are inconsequential for example choosing between eating an apple or an orange. I think I can feel the value of viewing my experiences and noticing how I feel in reaction to it like being rude to someone and I notice I feel sad and guilty afterwards. I wonder though if there is a difference between judging (observing/ analyzing) and condemning and beating myself up? I think I feel better about accepting and acknowledging there are right and wrong choices and principles AND also see them as learning and growing. In the scriptures there is so much teaching about repentance and good and evil. If I do not accept something I do as wrong then I will not change or grow? So if I focus on repenting and changing with hope, self love, love for God and an open mind to grow and change then that is different than trying to change by condemning myself. I hope my thoughts and questions make sense?
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Right and wrong, nonjudgmental and “learning”?
Right and wrong, nonjudgmental and “learning”?
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Hi Robin, thank you SO much for your thoughtful, insightful and thorough response! I really am grateful for it. YES that really does help A LOT 🙏. I want to practice in my mind and heart shifting my motive in this learning and growing process. I’ll see you tonight on the call!
Auna. Thank you so much for bringing this up. It is not a simple concept and I appreciate the chance to share more. just recognize that you have your own answers! I can give you my thoughts, and share my experiences, but you have your own answers.
There are things that are good and bring joy and light into the world. There are things that cause people to suffer and bring darkness into the world. There are definitely those two options! Every choice has a consequence and every choice has an outcome that may or may not affect others.
When I focus on the thought that my choice is bad and I am going to be "punished" I shift from thinking about my responsibility and my reactions to my choices, to worrying about "getting in trouble". That puts me in fear and takes me out of my heart. Or when I shame myself, it puts me in an even darker place than the action and step even further from God, the Spirit or wanting to connect to Christ. Judgement, condemnation, guilt and shame are degenerating or depleting emotions.
In contrast to that, if I make a choice that hurts others, and I stay connected to the outcome that I have hurt someone, I feel the pain of that in my heart and it will motivate me to ask forgiveness, to repair the hurt, to seek to change my behavior. The weight of that decision stays inside of me and I LEARN. I learn that is not the way I want to live my life. I learn that it is painful to hurt others. I learn about the Savior's grace through repentance. I learn the sweet gift of forgiveness from another. I learn a little more about who I don't want to be, and that helps me find the path to who I want to be. I will not make that choice again, but it is because I have learned it does not bring me happiness - not because I "got in trouble" or punished myself.
To obey or make a choice out of fear, (fear of getting in trouble) is a lower motivation than to choose right action out of love. When we do make mistakes, we can repent, be forgiven, ask forgiveness, make amends, and GROW from the situation. We are empowered as we put our free agency to the test and learn from our choices.
When I understood that as a mother, I changed my language with my children. Instead of saying, "You should not have done that! Now you are in trouble!" I would ask questions like, "How do you feel knowing that you have hurt your sister?" "Do you think in our house we should be able to treat each other like that?" "How would you feel if I let your sibling do that to you?" "Is there something that caused you to choose that?" I tried to keep them connected into their feelings so they could learn from their mistake.
I see a great difference between (judging, observing and analyzing) verses (condemning and beating yourself up). I think your solution is beautiful. You can recognize choices that create positive or negative results, then show compassion if you create negative results some days. We are all human! If we were intended to be perfect, there would be no need for an atonement!
Remember sin merely means "to miss the mark." If you miss the mark, get back on track and move forward! :) I love your statement:
If I focus on repenting and changing with hope, self love, love for God and an open mind to grow and change then that is different than trying to change by condemning myself?
My answer would be YES!!! Does that help?